How To Set Personal Boundaries And Protect Yourself
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Sometimes it's just hard to say no. Even if it's something we know is bad for us. So what's the deal? Do you think we're just too nice to say no? Maybe we subconsciously desire the very thing that pushes against our personal boundaries.
Okay, I've said it. We really want the bad thing. Now what?
As humans, some of us find it hard to maintain the strength to suppport our personal boundaries to protect us from potentially harmful situations or people. Some individuals will beg to differ with me on this theory, claiming that we all have the strength within ourselves to say no to what is latently harmful, which is true. But the question is: Do we really want it or not?
What if it's a negative control tactic pushing against our boundary, complete with obvious warning signs, flashing lights, and loud ringing, used to gain direction of our feelings while we're in a vulnerable state? The problem is, our feelings and emotions blind us to the obvious danger. When we see it coming, but subconsciously allow it to climb over the perimeter and into our space, we become unprotected, thus setting ourselves up for crisis. Sound Familiar?
It's not something that's pleasant to talk about, it's simply a reality that's present in everyday life. So what can we do to protect ourselves when we feel vulnerable and powerless to say no to something that's possibly threatening our boundaries, either emotional or physical? I came up with a few of my own boundary limit rules so as not to continually beat myself up over real or imagined coercive strategies to push my limits.
Rule 1: We Own Our Values.
Make these statements to yourself daily:
I own my feelings. They are unique to my divine character.
Feelings are not right or wrong; actions are.
My values are mine, my feelings are mine, and they aren’t wrong for me.
I profess there is no right or wrong level of intensity to each emotion I feel.
Rule 2: The 'Will Nots'.
Rules to follow for personal protection.
* I will not make an impulsive decision when I feel indecisive
* I will not lash out in anger inappropriately when crossed, but will allow myself to express my anger positively.
* I will not commit to something until I am satisfied with the circumstances or have an explanation that I deserve and feel comfortable with.
* I will not plan my day or night around "possibilities".
Rule 3: Your Rights.
Make these statements daily:
I have a right to feel indecisive.
I have a right to my feelings.
I have a right to question motives.
I have a right to explanations.
I have a right to be suspicious.
Is it time to apply some control to our personal boundaries?
Just a thought for some, not all. If you feel someone may be using a negative control tactic to push you into a place you don't really need to go, perhaps you can apply the rules for controlling your personal boundaries. If you feel your life may be out of control in some areas, maybe it's time to enforce some limits on your boundaries. We struggle through adversity for a reason. I don't think I've heard it described better than the statement below:
"What may seem hurtful to our flesh now, will create growth in our spirit later."
As said by Pastor Josh Lee, Cornerstone Assembly.
“Who the heck do you think you are?! Get outta my space! You’re pushing my boundaries and I’m too nice to say no.”
"Closure is important because it gives one a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending. "
- Do You Have Healthy Relationship Boundaries?
If a relationship has unhealthy boundaries, it can result in abuse, emotional scarring and a lack of growth both together and apart. How healthy are your relationship boundaries? Take our quiz and find out.
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WOW! donotfear, I so needed to hear your healing words! I just wrote my story on a hub called "People Pleasing-How Far Will It Go?" I want to direct people to your hub for healing. It's really something how God supplies all our needs. God Bless you!
He,he, donotfear-you wrote this Hub just for me, right?! :) Oh boy, I am going through this big time at the moment, and I needed your words more than you know.
Thanks so very much!
I know for me, at times it's about not hurting other's feelings even if it's not going to be good for me. Once I had my kids, my priorities changed. It was as if life said, "here, it's okay to say no, especially when the safety of your kids are involved." I have often pondered this myself, why do we agree to things that are not going to be good for us. This hub is a great eyeopener. These personal affirmations you mentioned, are so vital to our emotional, physical, and spiritual success.
zzron: Thanks. You hit the nail on the head when you said "Sometimes we make the wrong choice...." Yeah...especially when it's long-term effect could be destructive! (like get drunk tonite, face the hangover tomorrow)
TimeHealsAll: Glad to have touched you. Amazing how the most spontaneous hubs end up drawing the most influence.
lorlie6: Girl, I so needed to hear your response too! Maybe we need to talk....hmmm. If we could just apply this and stick to it!!
Veronica: Wow, you are so right! Glad this little hub turned out to be such an eye opener.
Oh wowzie! Really good hub! So true to find your own boundries and stick with them. Often as humans we have temptations, so yes, sometimes we do want them, even when we know they are not good for our spiritual growth.
Love the first picture, it cracked me up.
I have learned throughout the years, the fine art of finding my boundries and never allowing someone to take me down their road..no matter how much I like them. I have learned to say "NO" and have made some enemies along the way...but in the BIG picture of my spirit, I say that it is okay. I would rather be an enemy of a mortal man than and enemy of God, if that makes sense. Thanks for a great hub and many thoughts to ponder here with this one!
Perhaps I was born into an interesting situation as my dad, who was a 20+year miltary veteran taught me about setting up boundaries for myself even when I was little. His best friend, a USMC Gunnery Sergeant, enhanced the importance of doing so even more. This followed into my own military career and now unto my life with Jesus.
We know what we need to do and what should be done. Anything outside of that is classified "nonessential" or "counterproductive" and possible even harmful. So, set your perimeters and boundaries according to your own personal self and review them to make sure the end result of these boundaries will be benenficial for you and those you are responsible for and to. Stick to them.
Thanks for a much needed Hub!
I think that is exactly what is missing - boundaries. Youngsters don't seemed to have no limits. I personally had too many but had to and learned the hard way. Thank you fro a great read.
donotfear, a great and timely hub! I have been reckoning with these thoughts lately. When I receive a Christian e-mail that says if I don't forward it immediately I'm doomed Unless the content is of great nature I delete it as a personal threat, otherwise I clean it up by removing the challenge before sending the information on. I used to look at my mailing list and select who I sent this type of e-mail to. I now just select all and send it, they have no problem sending me porn, why would I have a problem sending them something that may save their life? They push my boundaries with porn and I don't look this stuff up but when it is right there I sometimes peak at what I set boundaries against, because secretly I like beautiful women and have set a boundary against seeking them out. So I'm weak in this area and strive to avoid it. I guess we are all sinners and need work.
It seems to me as young people we are forming our boundaries, haven't quite figured them out yet. I remember how it was important to me to set my values, but my own grown children see no need to, it's all fluid to them.
Ghost Whisper 77: Thank you so much for the acknowledgement. It means a great deal to know that what has come from within touches others spirits.
Unchained Grace: Nonessential and counterproductive are 2 things we can live without...literally. I thank you for bringing this up to me. Reminders are heavily appreciated.
hello,hello: Again, you have hit it on the target. Glad you got something from this.
50 Caliber: Dude, you are right. IT's almost like we gotta just take a peek or get our feet wet a little bit, even when we know it's the dang devil!!! Remember the 'Wet Paint' sign? We just gotta reach out and touch it even though we know it will leave a print.
sheila b: Yep, you got it. Young people have no boundaries, or so it seems.
Thank goodness I don't have the problems that 50 Caliber has. (psst 50 Caliber- forward me some of those).
I swear I was born without knowing what boundaries are. I am such a people pleaser and have said yes even when I knew it was harmful - so as to not offend the other person. How dumb is that! I was in my 30's when I finally learned what boundaries are and that they are for my own protection. I am slowly learning.
I think this is one of your best hubs so far...very well written, and very informative...it deals with the human nature, and soul...the yearning that each of us have inside, ...our desires and needs, our fantasys and realities, our morals and our deepest dark thoughts.....thank you for publishing it...it is right on! You have very good insight...and I am glad you are my friend....
hugs to you
Micky Dee: If we all had the problems 50 Caliber does, we might be living in the wilderness like he is!
Cari Jean: Yes, it's a learning process. I can say no to most bad things except for what tugs at my emotional heartstrings or compassion! It goes with having a trusting soul.
Art4Life: Thanks Jan, for all your encouragement. It's great to have kindrid spirits and members of the Three J Sista's (Jennifer, Jan, Judy) to keep me in line! I seem to come up with the deepest subjects when I do it spontaneously and without much thought.....just write it down!
I was just talking about this very thing, the last couple of days. Friends talking about what kind of people we attract unknowingly just by being nice. We were agreeing that we need to set boundaries:) I forward this to my friends! Again another great hub:) I'm starting to feel like we are hub-buddies:)
hear4theword: I've had good response to this Hub. Looking over the comments I now see that what I believed was a thought in my mind was really a lesson in disguise. I also had a great session in Group therapy last night that validated this whole article. We are kindrid spirits for sure.
Hello Lovely D.You scared the crap out of me with your comment on my Hub!Your much better at discerning the truth than I gave credit for LOL.
About this Hub.Beautifully presented,over coming defensive personality characteristics in a non threatening way so people will listen.I'd like to quote John Wayne from the movie"True Grit"..."A man picks a set of rules to Live buy.When it's easy that don't matter.It's when it's hard that you prove your True Grit"!Andy Garcia said"It's OK to fall down,as long as you fall Forward"
Stay beautiful my friend
Dean
Thanks again Cheaptrick!!!
I remember that quote from True Grit! It's a good one. Thanks.
"I will not make an impulsive decision when I feel indecisive."
I'm going to embroider that on a pillow for myself because my whole life has been one big impulsive decision.
Thanks for the great hub!
Yes, it is only through pain can we truly grow. Good hub mate! x
Great hub Texas kindred. I used to think that Jesus was somehow a little codependent (a coming hub) because of the "suffering servant" role. When I looked closer I saw the obvious---He never did anything without a conscious choice--even death and saying no to the Lazarus crowds' plea for speed. Like you said, the key is knowing your needs and I think also your wants. Making a decision based on healthy desires is ok---Jesus, "for the joy that was set before Him" endured the cross. Thanks for the reminders DNF.
I need to listen to my own hubs! I appreciate this one Winsome. Sure needed to hear it today. Feeling a bit defeated by my own personal boundaries! I'm feeling the hurting today!
I totally agree with you here donotfear. Everything is true and real. Thank you for sharing this. The poem is beautiful I tell you. The words are strong in its message and to the point as well. More power to you dear friend.
Thanks Teresa!
Not so long ago I had an eye opening experience when I exploded on loved ones. It happened after a long period in life of not being able to say no to drugs. I also exploded on myself. It was definately a time when I decided to approach life in a better way. It has been such a relief to me knowing that I finally have set new boundaries and do now see that what came from within did touch my spirit. I'm so very pleased that it did. I appreciate your hub and enjoyed it. Thanks from me.
Very cool. I like your message. (HUGS) Debby
This was great! I will have to follow you to remember to come back and read more of your interests. Thank you for sharing such good thoughts here.
Great hub.
Everyone has boundaries I believe that are good and/or bad. Some boundaries keep people from ever really knowing others, love, friendships or life. Some boundaries allow hurt to enter our lives and some protect us and sometimes shelter us from possibilities.
Growing up in a larger extended family and around so many people in a small closed-knit community that were easy to trust, it made it harder to learn to adjust as an adult when I moved away from that environment.
New boundaries had to be defined to survive outside of what I had become accustomed to. That is part of "growing-up" I suppose. Lessons learned and boundaries set. At times I feel it is essential to look at one's boundaries to keep in touch with who you are as a person.
"Are my personal boundaries allowing me to experience life or avoid it?" "Do I need to adjust my boundaries?"
With all the pressures of life nowadays and the more people you encounter, it would be easy to forget or just lose sight of some of the boundaries you have for yourself and allow lines to be crossed intentionally or unintentionally.
Thanks for the message in this hub!
Very thought provoking and insightful Hub. Thank you!
zzron 2 years ago
Wonderfully written and so true. We all have free will to pick and choose our hearts desire. Sometimes we make the wrong choice but it is still our choice but I do agree that self control is always a virtue. I am adding this hub to my list of favorites :)