Relationship Advice When Someone Disappears From Your Life
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"Closure is important because it gives one a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending. "
Lack of closure in a relationship or event is something that can linger forever. How do you get closure? If you both agree that the relationship is over, it’s closure. If there’s a big argument that leaves two people unable to agree to disagree, it can be closure.
What is closure? According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, closure is 1) a closing or being closed. 2) a finish; end. 3) anything that closes. Another definition is ‘to come to an end’. Wiki calls closure, in the psychological sense, ‘a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life’.
Feelings of Abandonment in a Relationship
Lack of closure can leave you with feelings of abandonment. For most, closure happens when your significant other tells you point blank: "It’s over”. Both parties accept, agree, and go on with their lives. Clearly, it’s more complicated & hurtful when you don’t want it to end but the other involved does.
Finally, there’s the worst scenario: when one individual disappears suddenly with no apparent reason.
So the worst happens. One partner leaves suddenly with no explanation. It’s more difficult when you don’t know the reasons why. It can leave the abandoned partner with a feeling of being used or ‘having the rug pulled out from under them’. What do you do? Call continuously until you get an answer? Send endless emails & text messages that remain unanswered? When there’s no response, it leads to an increased feeling of panic that you’ve been deserted.
When they 'disappear'.....
When somebody disappears with no response it's not a good sign. Besides, it's hurtful, for sure. Deleting every trace of the person is sometimes the best thing to do, though it's painful. Think of this: what kind of person comes into your life, takes you on a roller coaster ride, then disappears? There’s something wrong with that picture. In fact, it leaves you with a sense of complete rejection. Sometimes those who disconnect are never heard from again. They may reappear. If they do, that's when one must be strong and not let the person back in again to prevent the pattern from repeating. You’ll be left feeling empty & betrayed again. Unless, of course, there was a legitimate, true reason for the “disappearing act”, though I can’t think of many legitimate excuses, can you?
- Relationship Advice: Controlling Your Personal Boundaries
Learn to take control of your personal boundaries and protect yourself from emotional harm. Know your values and rights in order to gain a better foothold in relationships. A must read! - The Firecracker Woman
A short story of a woman with a big heart who finally exploded, released the pain, and allowed herself to get angry. An example of inner healing and release; from an author who knows how it feels.
My Own Experience
I remember when this happened to me years ago with someone I’d been involved with steadily for about six weeks. We spent a wonderful weekend together and, I thought, were getting closer. Then poof! I didn't hear from him for a week. I tried calling him, left a message...he didn't return the call. I called him at work. He said he'd been 'covered up' with a project. He made no plans with me for the coming weekend. I was very sad & lonesome that weekend, tried to stay busy and had a bad feeling inside. Then I found out the real slammer the following Monday: he answered some woman’s personal ad in the newspaper and had begun seeing her! Talk about a slap! May as well have rubbed crap in my face! I confronted him, or tried to. His reaction was, "I didn't want there to be a catastrophe….what do you want me to say ‘baby baby, come back, I love you….cause I’m not!’." That was cold & shocking, to say the least! I mean, why the heck couldn't he have just told me he wanted to start seeing somebody else? Sure, it would hurt, but it would have been so much easier. Plus, it would have saved me from developing a poor opinion of him. It was just plain tasteless & degrading. Why not just be HONEST!?
Why the abandonment with no explanation?
I'll never understand why some people think that disappearing is the best course of action when you want out of a relationship. It could save a lot of hurt for the other involved if there was open communication. Sure, it hurts to lose somebody, but it's much easier when you're not left HANGING, not knowing WHY. The end result is a casual brush-off that is demoralizing, to say the least. Especially if you shared many private things....things you believed were special with the two of you. Then a casual "oh never mind..." disappearing act! Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words. Sadly, many people we care for disappoint us in the most demeaning manner. It makes you wonder all sorts of theories. Were they lying all along? What was the true motive? What happened in their life to cause such a sudden change? Why did he/she leave? According to Violet Fortune, the author of Closure at the End of a Relationship on www.helium.com “On the other hand, it is that very "need to know" that can keep us from a much needed sense of closure”.
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Advice for what to do now.
So what do you do if you’ve been “left hanging”? How do you get a sense of closure? I’m going to list my suggestions followed by some great resources I found while exploring the subject. My suggestion is to write a letter to the one who left even though you may not know where to send it, then tear it up or burn it. Consider their silence the closure you need. Inaction, on their part, can act as closure for you. People make a way to do what they want. Remind yourself that if the person wants to talk to you, they will. It has nothing to do with YOU, it has everything to do with THEM. They’re simply saying ‘Yes’ to another part of their life. How to deal with the sadness & hurt?
1) Stay busy. Renew old friendships & do things for yourself.
2) Acknowledge your pain, don’t deny it. Let yourself cry if you need to.
3) Stay away from alcohol & drugs. Self medication is only a temporary fix.
4) Don’t start a new relationship immediately.
5) Seek counseling if the pain becomes overbearing.
Important To Go On With Life
Lack of closure can significantly affect our lives if we allow it. You can't deny the hurt, loss, & abandonment that accompanies an unexpected departure of a significant other in your life. If we can learn to stop beating ourselves up over the 'why' & 'how' of the deserting other, we can turn a negative situation into a positive learning experience. Developing the coping skills necessary to obtain a sense of closure can assist us in forgiving, letting go, & moving on.
Disclaimer:
I am not a professional coach or counselor, but a caring nurturer. I offer support and suggestions on how to get over such a rejection. This is not professional advice nor is it an advice column. I welcome all input and comments.
Try Reading These For Support
- Are You In A Bad Relationship? Ten Questions To Ask Yourself.
Are in a relationship with someone and something doesn't feel "just right"? Listen to your gut instinct! Watch for the warning signals closely and RUN! Dont' walk to an exit! - Internet Predators and Con Men: The Emotional Price ...
Internet stalkers and con artists are plentiful. Read one woman's story of temptation, allure and disgrace as she realizes the deep truth. - Links to Healing From A Deceptive Relationship
Ever been deceived by the man you love? Look inside the heart of a woman who felt the sting of deception. Instead of falling into a bottomless pit, she opened her eyes to a new beginning. - Relationship Advice: How To Get Over A Player
How many times do you find yourself wondering what happened? It’s the old scenario of realizing it wasn’t what it appeared to be. And the worst case, plus the most humiliating, is finding out it was never what you thought; only a charade.
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Thank you. sister! I'm sorry it happened to you....that only shows this situation can happen in other instances besides romantic relationships or friendships. It's been on my heart a long time to write about this very subject. Sometimes the most negative experiences can turn into a good thing later. God knows best!
These are some excellent suggestions donotfear. This happens to so many men and women. I'll never understand why decency isn't shown in situations like that. It all boils down to treating others the way you want to be treated.
That's right Veronica. I'm glad I finally wrote about the subject of closure. I've wanted to put it in writing for years. I've noticed several hubbers have posted about the subject, which prompted me to write about it. If there's anything I can do to encourage somebody to keep fighting, I'm gonna do it! I guess those of us who have 'been there' have a better insight. Thanks for commenting.
You opened a very subjet which, I am sure, affects a lot of people, including me. Thank for giving a lot of thoughts. A great hub.
Words to live by....
Thanks guys for your comments. It's always sad when our reality bubble bursts & we realized that what we perceived as true & real is an impostor in disguise; pretending to be something they're not.
I really enjoyed reading this article, good tips on closure! I like how you stated that it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you and that is quite often the truth.
Yes Madison22, it's true. It DOES have everything to do with the one who leaves & not you. But convincing yourself (the abandoned partner) is another thing. It's still hard to swallow, whatever way you look at it. Just have to keep reminding: It's not me, it's her/him.
Hi Madison22, This is a very good hub. I agree that finding closures is a very very important part of letting go. Not being able to find a closure usually leads to the pattern repeating. I have realised that you don't need to find closure with the other person, you need to find it within your self by asking what was it that you needed to learn from the relationship. You have mentioned that people do a disappearing act and that is what hurts, so maybe you have an old belief that people you love abandon you in some way, and you have to find out where that belief got into your system, it could be due to an absent parent or absent caretaker-wahtever, but find the root issue and deal with it, and this phonomenon of people disappearing from your life will stop.
And yes as you said, this hub goes perfectly with my hub on Breaking an emotional connection.
You said it best when you said: Sometimes the most negative experiences can turn into a good thing later. God knows best! GREAT HUB!!! When you have time come visit me. Much love to you!!
Nice- thank you again.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience on Closure, and good timing! I’m sure a lot of people will benefit. Please allow me to share my comment.
Sometimes the other party in a (budding) relationship may have a reason that is too hard for them to get out. I believe this happened to me many years ago. I was just staring to date this lovely girl from my old neighbourhood, until, one fateful day I got into a serious motorcycle accident. I was heading home from work one afternoon rush-hour when I hit somebody who turned left behind the car in front of him, who was waiting for me to pass through the intersection on a solid green light. Maybe that’s why it’s called Rush Hour. So I was in the hospital for a month with a nasty gash on my left leg and a few character-building scars on my face. She never even came to visit.
Fortunately I had a unionized job where I was covered for the six months before I could return to work, so I was able to keep my house and all.
Well, her actions (or inactions) hurt me, and I thought this for too long a time.
Years passed by until I found out by chance that she had died of cancer not long after we were going out. From what I have gathered, she wanted to start a family quickly because she already knew she was cancer-stricken. My life would probably be much different today if not for that left-turn artist.
Well, I share this personal story to bring forward an example of the possibility that the disappearing party may have things too difficult to share, which cause them to end the relationship with undue regard for the partner. Shame on them? I can’t say. But it does make it difficult to gain closure, which we need in order to carry on confidently (though circumspectly) without potentially souring a budding relationship by including a caveat with it. In any case, I have long recognized the distress she must have been in, and I forgive her for being human. It could be as well, that we were not yet at that intimate point of sharing, and/or she relied too much on her girlfriends’ advice, instead of being confident enough in my emotional partnership.
It has been said that if you can dig somebody for four seasons (and them you), then you will know if you can last a lifetime. Regards.
Timothy: I'm glad you brought this up. There could possibly be other instances that the alleged abandoning person may have no control over that would cause their bewildering disappearance. It's always a possibility, for sure. Your experience was sad. I can feel your hurt & pain. Maybe she thought you had abandoned her if she never knew about your accident. That makes sense. She may have been too terrified of the possibility you didn't want her anymore to pursue it. I could see myself getting the same mixed message thinking, "he doesn't want me anymore so I'll stay away" and you were powerless to do anything! But did you try to contact her at any point to find out if she knew of your accident? Or were you, also, too afraid of a rejection? It opens the door to a world of possibilities. But then, God has a way of working things out for us in His time, not ours. It appears you eventually got closure years later. I too have had one experience where I didn't have closure for 14 years until recently. It feels good! And I'm stronger from it, too! Thank you for sharing this unique story. I will certainly take it to heart.
It is a great hub to realize the meaning of closure which will be beneficial to many. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas.
This really says a lot. I plan to pass it on to others, as well. I've been dealing with some individuals who have been in some bad situations recently (in my Hubs). This information will help. Thanks donotfear!
I had somebody who came back again but it didn't work out. Not sure if he was telling me the truth or not but he turned out to be really selfish so I guess it's best it didn't last. I like this. It's a good advice
Awesome content... glad I have found yours, as well!
As a 63 year old male, I thought closure was for females. Boy was I wrong. After 40 years of alcohol denial, I have come to the realization that I need closure. On my way to Vietnam I was abandoned, I still do not know why, I have many guesses. Very recently ( after 8 months of soberity) I have made contact 6 weeks ago,no answer to date. As a part of my new life I need to forgive, what I'm not sure of, is knowing important to forgiving or not,
V.V.
vv: I'm sorry you had to wait so long to get the answers you were looking for. But I'm glad you found sobriety!
thank you, I needed to know at least one other person know
vv
I met a girl at church, and said we should get together sometime. She suggested we meet again in a couple of days at another church she frequents. I arrived early. When she arrived, she sat across on the opposite aisle, one pew behind me. So, I didn't even know she had arrived as I was looking straight ahead at the altar. Well, she made herself visible by walking to the front, then sat back at her seat. When I turned around, she smiled but I saw she came with a couple of girlfriends. Throughout the service, I heard a few whisperings coming from the direction she and her friends were at. At the end of the service, she walked hurriedly out the church. Didn't even get a chance to talk to her. I haven't seen her since (not even at the same church we frequent). I can't say we were in a relationship, since we never really dated before this (if you consider this meeting a "date"). But, nevertheless, with no explanation for the disappearance, I felt/feel abandoned. I still can't get my mind off her.
To What Happened?:
I'm sorry you're disappointed. It looks like you responded, but she didn't. Maybe she got scared or maybe her parents don't want her to date yet. Or it could be that she's just shy or simply changed her mind. Whatever reason, it wasn't your fault. I think the feelings you're having are very normal. Nobody likes to be brushed off after responding to an open invitation. Feeling abandoned is natural. Do the best you can to keep your mind off of it and stay active with other activities. You'll soon be back to normal. Good luck!
To donotfear:
Thanks for responding and thanks for the advice. Do you think the girlfriends she brought along with her had anything to do with how she reacted - hurriedly walking out and leaving me. Do you think they said something to her that may have scared her off? Also, what would compel a girl to bring along girlfriends on a date?
Dear What Happened?:
First, I think the fact that she brought her buddies along has much to do with how she reacted. You didn't say how old you are, but teen girls are very unpredicatble (I used to be one myself, ha). It doesn't mean there is something wrong with YOU, it does, however, have everything to do with HER, how she reacts, and her own 'hang-ups'. It's also very possible that her friends may have influenced her, yes. Girls at that age are very impressionable and want to impress their friends; they don't want to do anything that is 'uncool'.
Who said this was a date? Unless you two had some pre-arranged agreement that you would meet solely, just the two of you, it really seems more like "See you at church...". I wouldn't consider that a date. Girls feel safety in numbers....especially when they don't know someone. So chalk this up to experience. Get involved in your youth group and have a great time!
very informative hub
It is really very tragic that whom you love most, leave you without any reason. But it is life. We have to live. We cannot live according to our condition.
We must keep in mind always: "Whatever happens is happen for good only.
There was this guy that I used to work with in our office and we became friends.
During one of our group dinners, that was like 3 months ago, a lady friend asked him if he has a girlfriend and he said, he has someone special and I was told by my friend that it was me. He never really said anything to me though we were friends, probably he was not sure of how I feel. Then that same friend asked him why he was not telling me and he said, "I am leaving so its not worth it. It will only be more difficult for me". Those were his words.
I am not good at verbalizing my feelings so I wrote him an e-mail saying that I dont want him to go, that I would miss him but I never directly mentioned anything about liking him although I do very much. I felt that I gave out hints in my e-mail and text messages even in the card and going away present that I gave him of how I really felt, but he never said anything in response. And he left for good to settle in another country last Tuesday.
My friends asked me what was his "last words" to you before he left...and I said "just take care of yourself". But before going, he gave me a gold pendant cross, no message whatsoever. So I asked my friends, does this mean anything? He didnt even tell me that he'd call or keep in touch.
Probably when i get old and gray, I would still wonder if he ever felt anything for me. So sad that I never really have a closure. I guess its both our fault but I learned something from this experience. That we should say what we feel no matter how painful the outcome would be because we might later regret it and I now do.
donotfear,
Great hub! Though, I disagree with not starting a new relationship. I think the best way to forget somebody you break up with is by finding somebody else. Once you are in the arms of the new person, once you start having sex with the new person, you begin to get over the last person.
R
ElSeductor, it's people like you who interrupt the natural cycle of a healthy relationship.
donotfear,
Thank you for not being afraid to disagree. Most people nowadays are focused on being polite, and it prevents them from saying what they think. That is why I enjoy reading many of these hubs.
Getting back to your point. You mentioned the "natural cycle" of relationships. The natural thing to do is find somebody else. When we fall, the natural thing to do is to get back up. When we lose a job, the natural thing to do is find another job. The same is true for relationships. When one relationship ends, the natural thing to do is find another one.
R
ElSeductor: If one continues to fill the void and hurt with another relationship while not fully recovering from another, they carry the baggage from the previous into the next. If a person is not happy with themselves being alone and are dependent on another, that's codependency. How healthy is it for an individual to only be happy when they are dependent on someone else? Replacing emptiness inside with mere sexual pleasure and dependence on 'having someone else' is no basis for a strong foundation. The cycle will continue. From you who thinks it's perfectly okay to seduce someone's spouse & get it on with gusto, I would imagine you're used to this pattern.
donotfear,
There are two parts to your comment. I will address both separately.
Moving on: the fact that I believe that the best way to get over one relationship is to find another has nothing to do with being dependent. If somebody depends on others for their happiness, then that is an entirely different issue that the person must address. However, for healthy people who are generally happy with themselves, the best way to get over one relationship is to start another. Being saddened by a break-up is not the same as being unhappy. Even happy people get sad. Overcome the sadness by taking on a new adventure (relationship). The worst thing somebody can do is try to go back to the old relationship. That is like driving through the same street over and over again. Instead, take a different route. In time, the sadness of the break-up of the first relationship will pass. Why not enjoy another relationship in the process of healing from the first?
Seducing a spouse: women who cheat on their husbands don't necessarily want to leave their husband. So, when a man seduces a married woman he needs to understand that the affair will be temporary. Therefore, there is nothing to get over when the affair ends. Unfortunately, there are some seducers of married women who do get attached. They fall in love. Big mistake! Nevertheless, I offer them the same advice. Find another married woman to seduce to forget the one who broke your heart. This time, though, do not fall in love.
R
Okay ElSeductor. I'm not bouncing this back and forth anymore. Though nobody is perfect in love and life, mistakes are made, people act on impulse......I cannot condone the support and encouragement of seducing someone's spouse, then telling them how to do so. That's the bottom line. I don't hold the yardstick of correction for the world NOR do I hold the morals of an alley cat, but I do hold the upmost respect for marriage vows and the sanctity of marriage. So that's it.
There are people in this world who manufacture guns and other weapons. They do not control how the weapons will be used. Some people use weapons for protection. Others use weapons for evil deeds.
The same is true for the information that I provide. A man can use this information to keep his wife from cheating on him. A man can also use the information to seduce a married woman. How the information is used is not in my control.
R
It happened to me. I started seeing a younger woman in August and thought it would just bea fun fling. Well, we both developed feelings for each other and things progressed nicely. We were in communication every day by text (several), phone calls (once a day) and saw each other 2-3 times a week. Suddenly, right after Thanksgiving, she disappeared....has not responded to texts or calls. Andthis was right after she told me she thought our connection was special. Whatever the reason, I would havepreferred an honest explanation
Sean, that is so sad. I know you must really be hurt. You deserve an explanation. Hang in there.
This happened to me 2 months ago... did not have a fight or anything. Everything was going so well, the chemistry was there but he disappeared after I came back from my short trip. I bought him a little souvenir, left it on his balcony, not even a thank you (not that I am expecting it). I called, left him a voicemail and emailed him... no response. He told me though that his late GF of 10 years passed away in March 2011. It left me wondering maybe a.) he is still in the grieving process b.) rebound c.) or just a plain jerk. I noticed on our first few dates that he was "future-talking" (red flag) and it made me believe that there was really a future. He even removed me on facebook last month. Why would he just disappear when he himself know how much it hurts when someone you love/care the most died. There has not been a day that I do not think about him... I may never get proper closure but I take his "silence" as my way of closure.
TL: All I can say is omg! Bless your heart, honey. I believe you did the right thing. You called, emailed and left his souvenir gift for him with no response. Leave it at that.
It was very cruel of him to defriend you on FB. That shows he doesn't want to face up and be a man. On the other hand.....
He's probably not grieved the loss of his other girlfriend and perhaps feels a sense of guilt for having jumped into something with you so fast. It has nothing to do with you, but EVERYTHING to do with him.
Either way you look at it, rude dismissal with no explanation sends a message that you aren't important, and that sucks. It's NOT an excuse for being depressed. It's bad manners.
Thank you donotfear... sometimes I wonder if there was really a late GF last March 2011. The thing is I cannot even get myself to be mad at him, why is that? Is it because maybe he is still grieving? All I know is this too shall pass...
Yes, TL, this too shall pass. You have a good heart, I can see that. Go out and have a good time with your friends and be as happy as possible. You are a worthy human being.
have a hard time accepting things now .we met when everything seems so chaos in his life . he was down on the down pit.he lose almost everything . he was trying to make a start and i was trying to make a start also for myself.i fall in love with a guy whose life is so complicated . the thing is suddenly we got into a fight and it took him so long for him to answer me . he was so upset that i opted to play mind games but the truth is i dint mean it,i was just trying to get an attention. i treat him so cold but i manage to pull it back by saying i love you although I'm doing this to you at the end of the day.i explained to him how sorry i was and childish i was to act like that and do what i shouldn't .i know his too stress with too many things.he was not answering all my calls and text. he leave me an explanation for quite a long week that he was having a hard time accepting things me turning things around .i wanted to plea for him to forgive me because i really don't mean it at all and i told him how much he means to me and how much i love him . but the sad part was suddenly when he suddenly confront me with a legitimate reason with this statement "this is the life that i choose its either i make it or not"keep your head up you deserve someone better. I'm not pushing you away, I'm just telling you the truth .I know where i am going and i know its not for you and you wouldn't even wanna be there.you may say this and that now but i dont wanna end up corrupting and ruining your life as well.your young and innocent dont let me ruin that for you." . it was way too hard for me because i know the deep root of all and his into trouble with his past . he was a bad guy before and trying to pick up the pieces now in his life but his still into trouble until this time .his daunted and hunt because of his mistakes .he tried to explain it leaving me all this last words but we didn't have a personal talk until now and its been two months .IVE TRYING TO TELL HIM IF WE COULD TALK BUT EVERYTIME THAT I BEG FOR A TALK I DONT GET ANY ANSWER. i am having a hard time with all now.its like everyday my mind go blank and everyday a tear would always fall on my eyes .i could not even get a straight sleep .i think the only time i'm not thinking is when i'm sleeping . its way too hard .all i can do is pray .Pray for him and pray that i will manage everyday to get up,dress up and show up no matter what i feel.i really love the guy and i hate to lose him because the last thing that i want to do is hold on to him trough good and even if all well get worst/worse.maybe that's what love is all about .its about accepting the person .i am ready whatever it takes . but he don't want me to get in .there is NO us now because for the big reason that he don't want to ruin my life as well.ITS SAD WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE A PERSON AND YOUR LOSING THE STRANDS OF ROPE .
Yes, AC, it is sad when you feel you have lost the last shred of a connection to someone you really want to be with. Perhaps the words he told you
".....this is the life that i choose its either i make it or not"keep your head up you deserve someone better. I'm not pushing you away, I'm just telling you the truth .I know where i am going and i know its not for you and you wouldn't even wanna be there.you may say this and that now but i dont wanna end up corrupting and ruining your life as well.your young and innocent dont let me ruin that for you."
Maybe this can be the closure you need to go on with your life. I appreciate that kind of honesty. It makes it easier to let go, but it still hurts. Meet with friends and spend time on yourself. You deserve it. God bless.
thank you for the words .its not easy putting it all into word here. i don't even talk and tried explaining what I've been dealing to anyone because its quite too complicated and the only person who barely knew behind all is me and him .its quite too complicated . thank you for the words .i'm trying everyday .its painful but this is life .the world will not stop even if i will stop .Im barely hanging and trying to move on
Very well done. Very good points & advice.
Jess:
I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time dealing with this...I know how you feel, really, I do! You've got to keep busy, surround yourself with color and friends. Shop for yourself, find a church, anything (except drugs, alcohol or other relationships). Find a support group, hon. You need others around you who are positive and can make you laugh despite the pain.
You will survive this. Give the guy his space, like he asked. Then give yourself some space, for YOU! You are worthy and special, don't you ever forget it! God bless you!
I am dealing with this issue right now and it's killing me. It has driven me to drink and use drugs just to numb my pain. Long story short, I met a sweet young man while I was on vacation, he fell for me instantly, and he kept in contact with me every day for 3 months after I returned home. We became so attached to each other that I am now moving to his area to attend graduate school. (I've always wanted to permanently move to Florida anyway, and he merely gave me the extra motivation to do it.) After 3 months of not being with me in person, I guess his interest for me began to die. In early November he suddenly told me he wasn't the right person for me but that he wanted to remain friends with me forever. Instead of just rolling with this, I got upset and blew up at him, saying all kinds of nasty things to him out of anger. He never responded back. Later on I apologized for my behavior. Still no response. He has not uttered a single word to me in 2 months. My calls, texts, and emails go ignored. I have begun to beg him to give me SOME type of closure by asking him to please tell me to f--k off and go away if that's what he wants and that I will quietly walk away & never contact him again if he says so. Still no response!! I've also begged him to give me some kind of warning or clue as to whether or not I should make an effort to avoid him when I move to his area. You guessed it, still no response!! I've also told him I would very much like to remain just friends with him so that I won't have to deal with the drama of having an enemy in my new home. No response. OK...what kind of man CAN'T tell a woman to go away & not talk to him anymore if he hates her and doesn't want anything to do with her anymore?? I have never in my life had to ASK a guy to tell me to go away, because they usually have no problem at all demanding their wishes!! Why is it so hard for him to just tell me to go away of that's what he wants?? He never had a problem reprimmanding me before whenever I got on his nerves!! I'm starting to think that maybe he just suddenly realized I'm too worthless to even say "F--k off" to. I guess I am so meaningless to him that he can't even trouble himself to tell me to go away and leave him be. WOW. Also, it's worth mentioning me that he HASN'T deleted me from his Facebook or blocked me from his phone. Isn't that what most men do when they want to get away from a woman?? I even asked him several times to go ahead and delete me on FB if he no longer wanted anything to do with me. No response, wouldn't delete me. I finally just deleted myself. Maybe I was too worthless for him to trouble himself with hitting the "unfriend" button. Please God, help me get through this pain and utter CONFUSION, because I just can't take feeling so worthless anymore!
Jourdan: Please lay off the drugs and alcohol!!!
Why are you directing your pain, hurt and anger inward at yourself? I think you summed it all up when you said this:
...."OK...what kind of man CAN'T tell a woman to go away & not talk to him anymore if he hates her and doesn't want anything to do with her anymore??"...
You really want to know the answer to that question? Okay, here it is: a man who isn't worthy of having you. Weak, impulsive, and wishy washy. Is that the kind of man you really want in your life? Think about it.
In the meantime, why don't you get some counseling? You really need to talk to someone and find out why you are hanging on to something that is obviously hopeless. Hon, I'm sorry, I know you cared for him, but I promise it won't always hurt this bad. Please get some counseling. And go out with a friend and have a good time, surround yourself with good people, join a group and allow yourself to heal from the rejection. Stop contacting him; his continual rude and mean dismissal is making it worse for you. God bless you.
Thank you :) God bless You!!
Reading all these accounts and seeing a place where people like us can release something I decided that I'd better go ahead and share too. In January of 2011 my fiancee (whom I'd been with for just barely under three years) called me out of the blue and told me that she was ending our relationship and that she "would never want to marry me, so what's the point?". The day before she'd been telling me that I was the best boyfriend and that she was so lucky to have a guy like me sticking with her through the hardest part of her life and that she loved me as always. That was the last time that I saw her, her telling me how great I am and then smiling and bounding giddily up to where she'd been living. Then the phone call that ended it 24 hours later. This would have been okay but, as is life, things get worse more often than not. The next day she sent a letter to her family telling them that she was disowning them, giving up every single possession, returning her $4500 car, dismantling her cellphone, and that if they attempted to contact her she would file a restraining order. She then cut off EVERY one of her friends. Deleted Facebook, left no contact info, and simply VANISHED. Her family and friends, which over three years had become my family and friends as well, were devastated. My friends still aren't over it, my best friend and her had become best friends and we all cared about her. My family was crushed and confused. My Grandma cried sporadically for months. Her best friend became one of my best friends because we bonded more over losing her. Her family got private investigators, they searched and searched, and for ten months we only knew that we'd been thrown away and none of us knew why. Her parents eventually found her, but that's a story for another time. The point is this. Have you ever loved someone so much that if they died a part of you would die with them? I have and when my fiancee disappeared and ceased to exist it was like she had died for those ten months. Nothing made sense, closure wasn't even an option, and everyone I knew was crushed alongside me. It was the most horrifying thing I have ever experienced. I'm still putting myself together over a year later and on nights like tonight when I wake up at 3am and cant sleep I still wonder how we went from being so in love and trusting each other and valuing each other so much to just whatever the hell happened. Most of me is broken and parts of me just plain died off and the worst part is there isn't anyone I know that I can talk to about it. I just wanted to say thank you for creating more awareness of the damage people can do to others with selfish action as well as making a place where abandoned people CAN talk. No one I know is willing to talk because they all have their own issues with it. It gets hard, sometimes to just wake up and LIVE some days, but I'm trying to rebuild my trust and to open up again. Thank you for helping :) I have needed things like this. Thanks :)
Joey G: This was not your fault. It had everything to do with HER insecurity and nothing wrong about you.
Wow, you have really been through some hurt. The behavior of your ex-fiance is not normal. As I was reading I thought it sounded like a person who was planning a suicide. But then you say that her family found her later.
She is emotionally unbalanced. Straight forward. Anyone who would go to the lengths that she did to cut off contact with those she "loved" in such a way, is either extremely selfish or mentally ill. Whatever had been happening in her life that was "difficult" is not an excuse to hurt so many other people. I certainly don't know the circumstances of WHY, but perhaps someone does.
Regardless, you are healing from this. It won't always hurt like this. Continue to surround yourself with positive people and do what you enjoy doing. You deserve it. This woman obviously is not well. God bless you!
I met this girl at my work. After a few months we started dating. Nobody at work knows. We fell in love. 3 years later out of the blue she comes into my office and whispers to me we're done. Since we work together I figured I could get closure at some point. It's been 3 months and still no closure. She avoids me like the plague.
Dutch:
It sounds like you'll have to count her actions as closure, even though you may never know why she ended it. Or write her a letter asking why.....if she doesn't answer it, then that's your closure. She's too cowardly to face you.
That's a shame she chose a cowardly way to end the relationship. By coming to you at the office and telling you it's over is just about the epitome of low. I think that her actions speak louder than words here. It must be bone crushing to have to see her at work. Get involved in fun activities. Live your life well and allow yourself to take time for you.
Can you ask for a transfer? The best thing you can do is do your job well and try to focus on good people around you. She obviously has a real problem....one that is not yours now.
Thank you for your comments. I'm actually changing companies. It's been driving me nuts as she talks about going out and having fun all within an earshot of me. I cant wait to leave. I have never met anybody who can be so cold and calculating after being in love with me. I feel so used. And I can't begin to say how many times I protected her at work when she made mistakes. She almost got fired at one point. And now my payback is stilettos in the heart.
Dutch: She sounds sadistic, to a point. Says all these things within earshot, huh? Sounds like she's trying to get a reaction from you. Whatever you do, don't react because that is what this player wants. Keep smiling and being ever-so-polite. Seriously. Like if in passing, just smile and say, "Hi Karen!" and walk on about your business like you do anyone else. The key here is to treat her just like you do everyone else, making no distinctions that she's any different. Because she's not different, anymore.
My brother once told me to "give him nothing", meaning no emotional connection in my responses to the player so he would not think I was bothered by him. Not in a vindictive way. But a detached way.
Good luck with this. Take good care of yourself and I'm glad you shared this with us!
very well said...thank you...
Latoya E: Hello I have had the same situation a few months ago in college with a boy that i was talking to and getting to know for about 4 months we were taking things extremely slow.all of my friends loved us together and everyone could tell that he really liked me because I was a good girl and he was kind of a player or what not but i saw past that. I wanted to give him a chance,and so I met his family but I wasnt the only girl he had done this too and he told my friends just how much he liked me and he wasnt a very open guy he didnt share how he really felt about me i always had to take the initive to say how you feel about me and so i would say after 2 months he started to talk to me less and less no texts he would not speak to me nor hang out with me i could walk right up to him with his friends there and he would not budge his friend would always speak to me..this was very hurtful and i did not understand why he was doing this and recently i contacted him and tried to be friends but I cannot handle it and now he has gone back to his old ways..where he does not speak to me when i see him sometimes he dont even look at me...I trully understand what you have went through
Ru: Hon, you said it right. The guy was a player. And you were too good for him. His rudeness speaks for itself. Anyone who can be as inconsiderate as to casually "brush you off" is not worth the time. Be glad you didn't fall for him more. You've got a lot more ahead of you, I'm envious!! As far as being 'just friends' with him......it appears he doesn't even want that much contact. Let's just chalk it up to: Actions speak louder than words.
Hannah Ministries 2 years ago
It happend to me once in a church that I wanted to leave. Needed to leave.But I loved the pastor verry much.He denied me time and time again a chance to speak with hi. I left with this thing hanging and 2 years after was still sad about it. I know it is horrible. Thanks for your hub. and a guy like that would not have deserve you anyway. Blessing.